thunderbirds are go review type thing: thomas the… ok it’s a fat train in japan


about as aerodynamic as the toaster van from batman the animated series but with devastator's combiner kibble taped to the sides.

about as aerodynamic as the toaster van from batman the animated series but with raiden’s combiner kibble taped to the sides.

and now trains. in japan a train a guy with a regional British accent, and no sadly we aren’t watching lum the invader girl instead, is testing this monstrosity supposedly because it goes really fast.

then it inevitably breaks and rushes off at full speed towards a passenger train. i’m doing this review as i watch so a fiver and the severed hand of a thrilling 30 generations rattrap that somehow the hood’s behind this, the same guy who appeared 6 episodes in the original series’ 32.

now how do i get to picadilly circus.

now how do i get to picadilly circus.

then one of the tracys, i think it was alan but the hologram is kinda crap, calls john up and tries to rub the fact that he’s alone in space in his face but john apparently doesn’t care.

he then calls up scott about the train and scott tries to make a sarcastic comment about how people should drive more but even he realises that the voice acting could do with work, john doesn’t though and says that mass transit has taken over from cars completely.

huh,

FLASHBACK TO LAST EPISODE!

would you belive it it hasn't moved an inch since last episode.

would you believe it it hasn’t moved an inch since last episode.

yeah john. you have the power to watch over the earth and this slips your notice? and another continuity fail, last time TB2 lands despite having lost power presumably due to mechanical controls as backups. why doesn’t the train have this basic safety amenity for even it’s emergency brake? it’s maglev? well airbrakes!!!! or considering how maglev works surely the “brakes” would be applied externally, as soon as shinobu in the train’s supervisor place thingy (think airport control tower) realises something’s wrong or john texts her from space then she could do the brakes.

sure that would mean that they’d have to call in the hood to sabotage the break office but let’s face it then i̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶n̶e̶w̶ ̶h̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶r̶a̶t̶t̶r̶a̶p the people involved in the crisis get a chance to try and fix it themselves, thus making it seem more dire when the thunderbirds swoop in to help just like in the original series.

 

oh wait beamed microwave train power transmission, genius


 

anyway brains waltzes past and tells them that they can’t just turn it off, not because maglev trains will fall and crash without the “mag” but beacuse he thinks that it’ll decelerate too fast.

i don’t think brains has ever been established as holding a doctorate in physics but come on dude. and then he technobabbles and runs off

great scott, you'll have to reverse the polarity before midnight or the quantum stabilisers will convert into pyrocitic detonators

great scott, you’ll have to reverse the polarity before midnight or the quantum stabilisers will convert into pyrocitic detonators

alan wants to save the day but scott says no because alan is running behind on schoolwork, such as basic physics that not-doctor brains also missed out on. grandma tracy comforts him with jaffa cakes and then…

...he has an irrational fear of jaffa cakes, i guess his mother was killed by one.

…he has an irrational fear of jaffa cakes, i guess his mother was killed by one.

scott says that he “has a train to catch”… which in the situation actually works as good humour.

Scott then teleports down to the thunderbird 1 bay to tell brains that for his useless technobabble he’s gonna have to come along and then teleports all the way back up to do the whole “quickchange lift launch sequence” dealeo. how many times have i mentioned how weird this show is? just a thing of note here, brains is never shown in the launch sequence even in the closeups of the crew canopy. guess who’s gonna teleport in in a few scenes time.

look it's more feasible than brains having a son.

look it’s more feasible than brains having a son.

alan and max, the WALL-E spider knock off that you may have noticed, kinda sit there feeling sorry for themselves as granny picks up the chairs that the launch sequence knocked over.

assholes.

what did i just say. somebody get this man a bag of salted peanuts.

what did i just say.
somebody get this man a bag of salted peanuts.

teleportation sickness? this is the level of humour that kinds apparently operate on these days.

scott and alan group call john again, john should really just block all their numbers, alan being the smart one points out that it’s probably the hood, and nobody believes him! surely at this point!!!

by the way a “you’re just a kid” plot seems to be going on with alan but it’s just kinda making him sound whiny and annoying. then alan eats one of those jaffa cakes, the episode says that they’re burnt cookies, i don’t, and claims that it “tastes like a foot”, i think a this point questioning the bizzareness is gonna get me nowhere. i guess that’s implying that since smell is linked into taste smelling is tasting and therefore my feet taste like Pringles…YeaaaaaaahNope.

well that was quick. i mean i know you have a 20 minute format (and have repeatedly showed us that you don't know how to use it) but wow. i guess they're still in the pacific though.

well that was quick. i mean i know you have a 20 minute format (and have repeatedly showed us that you don’t know how to use it) but wow, no passage of time is even indicated. i guess they’re still in the pacific though.

brains is strapped to a zipline so he can try and fix the train and not liking it one bit starts spouting nonsense as a defence mechanism. “going down park slides as a kid gave me rashes because of fear” “why don’t do this with telepathy instead like in movies(such as pacific rim)”. Scott throws him out of the ship before he can give us a list of more doctorates that he doesn’t have.

side note: TB-1 can rotate it’s ring at the back round, but only on the delux version of the toy probably. funnily enough it’s use here is pretty much pointless as he’s not resting on anything yet.

brains is detached from the train with “a mind of it’s own”, re attaches, claims that he’s stuck because he has a feeling and starts babbling about cathodes and anodes then they come to a tunnel.

"Tell max i love him"

“Tell max i love him”

that joke i made about max being a substitute for brains’ son? well now things are super weird. this show is just downright bizzare as it is.

then they jump the mountain, look it was a step up from the shark they jumped back in episode 1, connect brains back to the train and he starts babbling trigonometry.

which i would take for something he is competent at but he leaves out an important bit: cos isn’t equal to ajacent over hypotenuse, Cos(angle) is.

cross GCSE maths off of his qualifications.

scott is really P’d off with brains’ bullcrap at this point as we all are and ziplines down himselft to pull him down a manhole on the train face first.

i swear that there was a dr seus book about this.

i swear that there was a dr seus book about this.

GOOD DAMN RIDDANCE! back in the original his stuttering was kinda endearing i suppose. this series’ replacement of it with inane blathering is not.

they introduce themselves to the train dude and well this is his reaction.

dr of omnisexuality. i guess that that clears that up.

doctor of omnisexuality. i guess that that clears that up.

and this episode has so much bizarreness i think we’ll have to make this a two parter for neatness’ sake.

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