hey, that gimmick summary last week was pretty fun to write. i think i’ll do this in the style of… eh, i’m feeling lazier than i did back then. enjoy some regular old amazing prose and stuff.
if you recall last week shep was bitten by the vampire daughter of the amazing fake old man as she turned into a spider. naturally an arm wound of this calibre merits a stretcher because shep’s a handstand champion and needs to be in top shape for his match with ronan next tuesday. subject of which his arm miraculously heals putting him back in the game, i guess the makeup guys were… he’s turning into a wraith, if you did not guess this then you must be new to tv/sci-fi. he’s turning into a wraith and will be presumably better by the end of the episode. are we done now? i want to get back to playing SWTOR.
unlike us carson has never even watched an episode of [insert sci-fi here] and tells shep to go about his day, said day involving running around the top of the millenium dome with ronan and forcing himself upon teylaa because i guess the wraith’s deal is that they’re actually really horny. teylaa as usual senses fucking nothing wraithy about this leaving shep to realise his ford-drug organ must be developing. carson still being a little stupid is like “see you in 6 hours for a check up, i’m sure you’ll be fine” but nope. turns into a wraith, that’s what the title promises and that’s what we’re getting.
oh ok, it’s a bit slower than that. he gets an arm cyst (which eveyone immediately wants to pick at, even people who haven’t seen this episode) and black veins. oh and let us not forget this is cause by a virus designed to turn wraith into people. fortunately neither does carson, being smart for once, and he decides that this means they fix him by sticking irratus bug stem cells in him… ever thought of gate buffering him for a month while you reverse the polarity on the retrovirus eh genius? i mean you’re going to have to fix that one eventually. meanwhile Colonel Cadwell asks for Sheppard’s job and seeing as he’s in the “DON’T LOOK AT ONE SIDE OF MY FACE, I’M WEARING A OFF KILTER WRAITH CONTACT LENS!” stage of transformation.
oh wait i’ve just figured out another solution to this episode: ZedPM-gate shep back to earth, give or lend him a tokra symbiote and let that repair his genes. and don’t give me “they wouldn’t think of that”, we have 2 SGC veterans mkay and lorne in the main cast, they were both likely to have access to sg1 mission logs and mkay who was working with the NID at area 51 at the time definately would have caught wind of something called “Bane”, that episode where bugs try to turn teal’c into bugs by, guess what, overwriting his genes and it’s solved by way of a goa’uld symbiote and drugs. they already have shepard on drugs so all they need is a tokra.
as you’d imagine to my frustration neither of these people, who play a significant role in this episode, raise this up. what role? they lead a bunch of redshirts into a spider cave to pooper scooper some eggs. and then those redshirts die. meanwhile cadwell dances on sheppards open grave by changing everything, sheppard responds by becoming spiderman
huh, i was not expecting him to become spiderman. or the emperor after that.
oh and then spidershep then saves the day while ODing on lucid drugs because he has spiderman sweat.
oh and while it’s a nice directing technique to shoot things awkward as someone slowly goes insane or turns into a spiderman it’s not so good if you do it all the time. i thought we’d learned this from battlefield earth.
have i mentioned how this wasn’t that good? yeah i think i did. and now for a new feature: how could they have un-fucked it up: don’t make it so obvious he’s changing, spread it out over several episodes and have this be the climax, of course. have teylaa start to sense him. have the reason not be that the thing supposed to turn wraiths into humans has the opposite effect. at least acknowledge those other solutions with a throwaway line!