It’s finally over! the shit season is over!
wait, there’s some people who say it got worse every year? well i sure hope that those guys have different tastes to me.
in preparation of the wraith hive our heroes cloak the city and mobilize the Daedalus, which remains useless in combat, and the Orion, which is still pretty broken, outside of sensor range. fortunately it’s a false alarm because these are friendly wraith…
and they’re with michael who’s also freindly…
wait another what?
so mikey, who now looks like the white black guy from iron sky, his queen, who looks like she’s had too much spray tan, and some wraith scientist, who looks like every other fucking wraith because they’re all played by this guy called james lazafanafanozoifastaof, take a shuttle down to trade the codes that stop the deadalus from beaming nukes everywhere in exchange for the retrovirus that turned Michael into that guy from enterprise, no not the british one, or the fish one, or lady spock, or scott dracula… yes, that one. (i know a scary amount about enterprise despite having seen like 3 episodes ages ago in Ireland). whatever, they forget that wraith can eat each other and want the thing so they can eat all the wraith they’re at civil war with. then carson is like “i thought we were helping them because humans are better, this is bloody barbaric, i’m a doctor not a genocidal maniac, etcetera etcetera”. no shit carson, we figured out that the wraith were fine being wraith 2 episodes ago.
so the wraith are very nice and had our guys all their shit, they even let Rodney and hermiod run tests on their anti nuke shields. nobody buys it, which would have made for good drama if it turned out they were being sincere.
then when the Daedalus goes out to beam the aerosol (“look it has to be aerosol, it just does ok?” carson beckett, 5 times an act) aboard another hive it’s a trap, the hives download the location of earth and the aroura mission reports on how to modify hyperdrives (which they couldn’t have known about) and attack the Daedalus. shep tries to lead a charge in the nigh invunerable F302s, not bringing a co pilot because he’s either too badass or has got so radioactive nobody wants to be in a confined space with him. they attack the wraith hyperdrives and don’t succeed before they warp away into the sunset/earth. then he dissapears into a tie in novel or something.
meanwhile rodney and ronan, who are on the hive because… shut up can’t escape with their locator becons and are therefore the beaming nukes thing doesn’t work.
oh and they’ve been captured too.
and we close on Michael being sad that nobody ever tells him anything. i can empathise.
this is no fun, i have to sit back here guarding the city while everyone’s off space battling the wraith! it’s not fair!
dun dun dwan!