ronan vs king wraith in the grudge match of the century, put on your sunglasses everyone because shit’s about to get explosive! also revelations about ronan’s backstory.
Our Hero: Ronan Dex, ex dredlockian soldier and current king of atlantis, slayer of many pinecone helmeted wraith, ex husband of that chick who was the mother of dragons or something (when one’s spouse starts giving birth to lizards i think it’s fair to say that if you aren’t a gorn it’s time for a divorce) and psychotic AI from rodney’s homage to space odyssey. 6 foot 4 and holder of pegasus’ shoot first award 7 years running, winner of the years OF running award 7 years running, holder of the Cowen galaxy record for combined dredlock weight and nerd fangirl magazine’s 4rd place for most sexiest emotionally repressed man on tv 2008, like anyone but sherlock, spock and data are going to get into the top 3.
His Quest: check out some village in the middle of arsodomize, pegasus. it has space moose antlers everywhere and everything. oh and he’s been here before so they hate his guts. they shoot Rodney in the gluteus maximus, as a physicist he knows the scientific name for ass, and slips everyone else rapid-action-air-transmitted projectile roofies, so rodney’s the only guy able to escape. let’s hope someone doesn’t give him too much morphine before he can tell everyone about this.
goa’uld damn it carson! we did not need more over the top stoned acting, we had pleanty of that last week with lucy and unless if you want to tell us about how excited you are that ronan is flying like a little baby bird… oh, calling him a caveman… you want to do what to teylaa!? YOU WANT TO DO WHAT TO JOHN!?!?!?!
cliché drug comedy moment over we return to our dudes in the cage, they’ve been kidnapped by chief saruman who once took ronan in, despite the fact that ronan was probably protesting about it at the time, and got wraithed. then the wraith gave him an obvious trap to use whenever ronan comes back and he does so. ronan holds himself at knifepoint like so much blazing saddles and gets them to release shep and teylaa and they go back to get a strike team from atlantis, assembled by the now lucid mkay, and… oh he’s been captured and everyone is dead. ah well, fuck those guys they kinda pulled that on themselves. oh and earth rule one: never leave a man behind. our guys assume that the wraith all want a shot at finally plugging ronan so they use the tracker from before to track his new tracking tracker and tracking track him to his homeworld. also there are like 7 other runners but fuck helping those guys.
ronan is captured by wraiths lead by a king, which is pretty damn impressive considering the wraith have a pretty damn oppressive matriarchy, they eat men for breakfast. this king dude takes ronan home, beams him down to the surface and disables the gate. it’s 1v1, king vs king, ronan vs… oh, sending down a goggle dude instead. cheater. ronan scavenges for 7 year old guns and 7 year old grenades and manages to kill that dude. king wraith decides that this means ronan is worthy for a fair… or more dudes i guess. they set an ambush for him but ronan already ambushed their ambush with improbable forsight in his spare gun lying on the floor placement. however this action scene gives him flashbacks about all his friends dying, which sucks.
meanwhile at atlantis everyone bends over backwards to save Ronan, cept Rodney because his arse, and they formulate a plan to go after him in a cloaked jumper deployed from the newly fixed Daedalus, we’re not fighting another hive so beaming isn’t an option. on the way shep reveals to teylaa that he doesn’t really have that many friends, the all died in the Afghan war and he’s a secret nerd who’s been playing pokemon for the last few episodes so making more isn’t easy, and you guys are like family to me. rodney and carson argue over who’s the ronan fangirl president. shepsqaud + carson look for him on the surface. shep and teylaa find him mid fighting a massive wave of wraith and also hallucinating how his dead wife died and about that guy he killed in rodney blows up a star system. everyone tries to help him against the guys because they’re his best friend not you and they manage to goad gol wraithkat down to the surface for a good old game of regicide. ronan is like “this is my kill guys, don’t steal it” but is curb stomped and is bailed out by a jumper-drone shot to the that guy’s everything. everyone is like “it wasn’t my fault, i would have let you fight him” but ronan is like “no, that was badass, thanks carson” and now they’re all trying to steal beckett’s kill.
i heard that the team are looking for some guy named ronon who’s been captured… wait, tall guy’s gone missing which means…. Tall guy must be looking for that ronon guy!
watch it, this was good.
they had a lot of money for this apparently, so lots of pyrotechnics.
for a guy who by his admission “doesn’t make friends easily” sheppard sure as hell spends a lot of time making “friends” with the locals. i blame the writers.
oh and with the eagerness eveyone has at trying to impress ronan it’s like rodney slipped him some lucy potion the night before.