Oh thank god! it’s twenty past one April 2nd BST, which means there’s no timezone where it isn’t past midday april first and i can stop hiding under my duvet and start watching more Beast Wars! (seriously if Donald Trump is a thing there’s literally nothing you could have said yesterday that the cynic in me wouldn’t agree with)
Transformers Beast Wars! I love this show. Sure the primitive CG is so dated that the first two seasons are literally older than me but the writing’s pretty good as far as i’m concerned. Unlike a lot of kids shows you see these days it doesn’t feel the need to turn it’s protagonists into idiots so kids can learn shit or in order to move the plot along, it’s witty, epic and even has some pretty great character moments dotted throughout. If i had to pick a favorite Transformers series then Beast Wars would definately be in the running.
It seems after my laziness induced hiatus. Netflix doesn’t have anything stargate but ark of truth (and not even this ark) so i’m paying real matt money to watch this, which in the past would have meant i’d have to buy a box set, but now thanks to Amazon Video i can just buy specific episodes and have them instantly. i flippin’ love technology
This episode starts In Medias Res (which is latin for “aren’t i a clever director”) as an extreme close up (which is latin for “i was so impressed with my ‘In Medias Res’ stunt i forgot people actually have to watch this”) of the face Spacesuit Sheppard (with Kung-Fu action grip!) shouts about not being able to make it. ok episode, i’m interested… what, the teaser isn’t over? and you were doing so well
meanwhile in the past Shep and Rodney poke around an empty, pretty neat looking 70s sci-fi space station in an asteroid while Ronan sulks in the gateship because there isn’t a spacesuit in his size. they’re about to head back and leave it to the background characters when Rodney reaches a control room overlooking a “re-entry” shuttle (important plot point) and lights up the nuke reactors so they can restore the life support and let Ronan out so he doesn’t make a mess in the shuttle. then anomaly happens and they pick up a “familiar reading” on the life-signs detector. ok, nice recovery on the snappy teaser front, i’m still interested… it’s still going on? blimey!
then they find a dead body near some tube beds, Cut to Titles.
So apparently the dead guy was stored in a wraith beamer, and he wasn’t dead, just winded. he is…uh, Guy McPerson. the last living member of the guys who lived on the planet below but now don’t because the wraith haven’t come up with the concept of “Sustainable Food Supply”. these guys, the planet guys not the wraith, it turns out were pretty damn smart and reverse engineered a dart abduction beam into a people storage device, Dude McNameless was supposed to be the guy who woke up on a timer and flew a shuttle down after the wraith had left and let out a bank full of people but their computers blue-screened a couple hundred years ago so he’s a little bit late. also one of the banks containing Mrs ThatDude and their children as well as the second shuttle is missing. Beard McJumpsuit simply ignores our guys and revives Old McScientist guy out of the bank so he can strangle him for fucking up the apocalypse plan. also Old Ben McKenobi doesn’t get stunned on the way out so by the show’s logic he’s hocked up on wraith insulin. they settle their differences and decide to carry on with the mission and continue to ignore of the 3 guys now crashing on their space couch, although Ronan notes that Angst McDeadWife might try to kill Aged McAuthorityFigure so they decide to hang around so they can become relevant to the plot again.
Teylaa (yes, she’s in this episode, she just hasn’t been useful yet) tries to console That Guy with “my everyone keeps on getting killed by the wraith so suck it up” but Mournful McSolem is like “last thing i remember before being stored is hope for the future, now I’m super depressed. thanks a bunch, f**k off!” and opens a bunch of the station’s submarine doors (very important plot point). then he gets into the shuttle and fires the engines at the hangar bay doors, while all the doors in the station are open. see, i told you those were important plot points. everyone rushes to shut doors and/or stop him but it’s too late, the doors give way and Actually McDeadThisTime is sucked out into space along with the gateship and all of the shuttle’s fuel. on top of that Newtonian physics states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction and because this asteroid is parked in a super low orbit, and because the shuttle engine just burnt to slow them down for a bit, and now their orbit intersects the atmosphere and they’re all going to die, on top of that McKay reports that the reactors went into safety mode again and most of the station is de-pressurised so he in his spacesuit in the control room is cut off from Sheppard and Ronan who have just almost vaccumed to death, and Beard McInjuries and Teylaa are in the people bank room. Ronan undislocates his arm on a door and makes a death pact with Sheppard because death by re-entry is pretty sucky. Fortunately (double plus important plot point) the Stargate Program never leaves a man behind so they’re probably fine unless complications happen, like rodney getting booted out of the control room when debris hits the window and being forced to wander the halls shutting doors and all that stuff. Teylaa calls him up because Dr ForTheGood McOfMyPeople wants to know if they can save his people, Rodney doubts so given that they’re on a tight schedule but Teylaa translates that into “yeah, sure fine, whatever” so everyone’s happy, meanwhile Shep gets through to Weir and she sends Lorne, Beckett and Lt Beau Bridges to bail them out, because they never leave a man behind (again, important).
Anyway the rescue team arrives and welds up all the stuff so people can move freely but now it’s time to go and Dr Wounded McIndignant is pissed that they can’t take his people bank in that time. y’see they spent generations working on this this plan to throw their planet into a nuclear winter so the wraith would leave them alone and save this people bank (plus the other one that got nuked) so they could rebuild. anyway Dr Allegory McOppenheimer also doesn’t leave a man behind (see, it’s thematic) and pulls Teylaa’s gun on Teylaa before trapping him and her in the people bank. if i was still teasting main character deaths this is where i’d do it but i’m not. Sheppard, partially because we never leave a man and/or woman behind, and partially because he heard that the planet is full of delicious radiation grabs the people bank and wheels it over to the empty shuttle, everyone else escapes on the jumper while Action Star Extraordinaire John Sheppard rides the meteor down through the atmosphere and after it breaks up lands the shuttles without fuel (i mean there was probably some sort of Reaction Control System but the only one who could have told him about that is now a frozen crispy body orbiting somewhere above him.) LIKE A BOSS! (this is the bit of the episode the first teaser was alluding to)
Later Dr McWarcrimes dies on re-materialization off-screen because it’s not like most people have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
This is one of the best one’s i’ve watched so far. As i’ve said on multiple occasions one of the things i like about stargate is when they run into cultures with retro-tech and these guys had a pretty good design aesthetic, the asteroid station, or as they liked to call it “the moonbase”, had very submariney corridors and the control room full of Airplane 2-esqe blinking light computers was pretty cool, plus the actual shuttle design was also cool, kind of like the Hardcell Transports from Attack of the Clones or Zephram Cochrane’s warp torpedo but with a flying saucer bubble dome on the top. plus their brown ds9 season1-3 uniforms looked great. Dr Old Guy (who’s name is apparently Jamus)’s whole deal made for a good story. This episode really had a top notch plot. i like the fact that, as alluded to above, it’s about conflict between our heroes and someone with a similar ideals to them (“never leave a man behind” is one of the big tenants of tv stargate) and explores the extreme dark side of that, kinda like Balthazar Edison in Star Trek: Beyond mimicking Kirk’s “humanity was meant to struggle” shtick from TOS. that guy’s name was amazing, why the hell couldn’t we have had something like that in this episode instead of Jamus and Herik? i mean the guy mentioned Hadon Fortum at one point, why couldn’t we have had him, he sound’s good!
The Ancients Create a bunch of civilizations and a device for controlling every aspect of their lives while being revered as gods and end up leaving them technologically stagnated.
Ori-ly ya bunch of hypacrits?
Rodney tries to persuade everyone to kill someone with a train but atlantis has no trains and it’s a stupid thought experiment anyway. then lorne calls in to report on a strange stationary satellite array in low orbit (disregarding that satellites do not work that way) and tell rodney that he’s been sighted on a yokel planet’s flag.
Rod69: “huh, that looks like the flag for geldar”
what’s a geldar? geldar is rodney’s steampunk micro-nation he’s being playing as in a game he and sheppard discovered in Atlantis’ bowels during the first year of the expedition. except as you can probably guess it’s not a game it’s REAL!!! so rodney visits matrixville and walks around for a whole 5 minutes of screentime before anyone realizes he looks just like their god. so while ronan browses for toy planes rodney walks up to the local leader CarterClone#597 AKA Nola and sets about getting himself a proper grovelling reception. unfortunately this is disrupted by sheppard’s hallumi chancellor guy showing up to declare economic sanctions. they argue around a bit and then Shepsquad abducts them back to Atlantis so they can tell them all about how their god-emperors are in fact man-emperors and they should take control of their own lives. doing so they decide to continue their aggressions into a full on war. as the blimps of Goldar and the massive army of humous attack each other over a small minefield incident and their cities crumble our heroes go out with dignity knowing that if anyone’s to blame then it’s defiantly sheppard and rodney for creating this wraith forsaken dirtball.
yet again a great man has died, and brought another great man with him, and teyla, and that tall guy.
i should be sad but i made a pretty big bet with Dr Katie that they’re coming back and i’m already budgeting out for camping supplies for my planned trip to M1M-316
you happy now producers? we’ve killed of two fledgling civilizations and half the main cast. oh you want them back? well then maybe you shouldn’t go around ordering deaths for edginess.
fine, you can have them back. it’s all a simulation on the war tables, those weren’t explosions those were railgun shots from the Daedalus to simulate shit going down. they agree to peace and the end.
oh great, now we’re running short because we couldn’t put in all those funeral scenes. how about i add in the gate effect? that’s always a good time sink… no, how about a subplot where radek and evan start playing then weir turfs them back to their jobs? yep sure.
what have we learned here today? it’s safer to stay inside and play video games than to go outside and talk to people.
In the next 44 minutes a main character will die! that get your interest?
remember those ancients who showed up a few weeks ago and instantly proved why nothing they’ve left behind works? well they’ve turned on a new thing they left behind, does it work? it zaps a Transmetal 2 energy snake into rodney and BlueScreens.
despite this rodney is given a clean bill of health and not even quarantined. y’know with medical procedure like this you’re going to end up dead one day carson. guess what? he’s not fine, he’s better than he was before: better, stronger, faster. able hear people being dicks to him from tables away, read minds and save his good buddy lorne with a mere thought. how? well stargate buys into the myth that we only use 10% of our brains, which is bullshit we use all of our brains but not all at once because that’s a seizure. rodney has been hit by an ascend-o-ray that will make his brain use even more of it and give him wizard powers. rodney decides to use his superior intellect to make carson float and sets about making everything better in the most annoying way, by technobabbling like a maniac then sitting in the chair and changing the lights to improve power distribution. also zelenka gets zapped while trying to reboot the device in safe mode and he heals him with cure major wound.
hey, did anyone order some flowers for algernon? rodney is going to die in a few days unless he ascends. and he can’t ascend unless he learns to meditate himself so calm that it’s like a coma. and instead of bringing in teylaa who can teach that to ronan they just send ascension expert shep in. so he’s pretty much screwed. ah well, might as well leave the world with all his new scientific knowledge like new math or more shields for the already tanky Daedalus but he’s visited by the ghost of imaginary carter and the spirits of rodney past, present and future who tell him to change his ways and embrace the true spirit of being a dead man walking… or just weir who tells him to work out his loose ends with people and see if that helps, he writes her a biography, doesn’t insult radek, helps teylaa celebrate her father’s 10th deathday and heals ronans back scars. he even starts to listen to shep’s hokey meditation crap. none of this works though as on his deathbed while his calmness maxes out he dies.
A Eulogy for Dr Meredith Rodney McKay.
We have lost a great man today, sure he may not have been the most humble of us, or the calmest, but he was the only person who remembered to feed me during my months in the brig so for that he holds a special place in my heart.
seriously guys, nobody else even thought to drop by, even when i had the sniffles. how… inconsiderate.
and now that rodney’s dead the series is real and edgy, what’s this? People like him, kill off someone else? fine!
rodney last second telepaths to carson an idea about using the thing from the start to save him, Zelenka joins in because rodney saved his life earlier and the rodney is saved sans superpowers.
okay, like a repeat of the rodney almost dies subplot of hide and seek but rodney actually dies for a bit, and it’s about him learning not to be a dick. sadly i don’t see this sticking. also the ascend/brain shit is stupid.
oh and you thought this was enough to satiate the bloodthirsty writers? nope. this is only the start…
Wait! doesn’t “Tao” mean experiencing life? surely this is an “AntiTao” of rodney, experiencing Death if you will.
Reccuring Antagonist Fest ’06, Featuring superheroes, Cowboys and a duel.
some athosians doing some trading have come across a planet that looks like a suburban housing estate with its gate in a sculpture park yet has victorian era people. they report back to teylaa that there’s a guy there who’s considered a great hero and shepsquaud has nothing better to do so they’re on local hearsay duty. and wouldn’t you know it it’s our old pal lucy yet again in a position of power.
so while he regails the suburb folk of his tales of how he fought a 10,000 year old wraith to the death, met an other version of himself as an old lady, saved the deadalus from a computer virus and cured the wraith carson blood tests him to find him completely dry on space hemp. so why does everyone still like him? the dapper suit has something to do with that, that and his personal shield he had some ATA yokel activate for him (disregarding that that’s not how it works) and saving the town from bandits. still the novelty’s running thin so he might as well get back to baking. well that’s nice, so we’ll be off then…
COWBOY SURPRISE ATTACK! some guys show up and threaten everyone, shep thinks they can take them but they take a hostage so he orders the squad +1 to drop their weapons. the cowboy’s leader makes a very telegraphed speech about how they’re here to steal their stuff and rape their everything (seriously) and then handcuffs shepsquad +1. then lucy shows up to punch them with his shield generator and the day is saved. so they have a massive party and shepsquad +1 decides to leave, lucy goes out to the cowboys’ base and it turns out they’re just hired renegade genii actors, their guns weren’t even loaded. lucy decides that since he’s invincible he might as well be a dick to them and gives them less pay. however shepsquad +1 is watching however and confronts him about this, apparently the initial banditing was real but he’s loosing his fanbase so he thought he needed some more bandits to bandit.
none of that matters though because SEQUOYA!! shows up out of the blue and starts searching for sheppard. lucy lets them bunk in his private sex room but is captured and SEQUOYA!! uses his immense torture skills to waterboard him through the shield (disregarding that that’s not how it works) and finds out that… nobody trusted lucy and immediately fled. so SEQUOYA!! sets a trap by tying lucy to some train tracks and/or some dynamite and captures everyone but shep. much to his dismay the gate is guarded and SEQUOYA!! is demanding he return to town for execution and even worse his only asset is lucy, who is free now, shut up. so shep purloins the shield and walks into town while lucy tries to organise an angry mob in a surprisingly competent manner. the genii shoot at the impenetrable shield for a bit and it conks out just as the pitchfork people show up. so as we reach our climax all that’s left to do is a duel to the death between mortal enemies, which sheppard wins because his pistol is (apparently) bitchin’ and SEQUOYA!! bites the dust. we end on them sticking the now depleted shield generator back on lucy (disregarding that that’s not how it works) and leaving to the sound of someone kicking him in the nads.
Pretty fun, not the most exciting episode for kolya to go out on but the duel bit was an OK send-off compared to say, main character ford’s decent into insanity.
also lucius lavin, everyone else thinks he’s the worst thing to happen to the show but after seeing all his episodes i can’t see why he’s reviled so much, sure he’s a scumbag and you can’t have humour in our comedy-drama sci-fi (or rather syfy) show because laughter is for fools and only those of us with a severe allergy to all joy have respectable opinions, but he’s not boring or Jar Jar… although despite what they say Jar Jar has his merits, he does a really tall jump that allows you to get to minikits you couldn’t otherwise reach.
this time on star trek IV, the voyage home…
so zelenka leads shepsquad on a fishing trip but they almost get lost on the way back teylaa tries to teach ronan meditation and sees a ghost woman who yells some gibberish and runs through her.
Do we give Teylaa medication? hell no, this kind of fake schizophrenia happens all the time. it even happens again right after and she sees a burned guy.atlantis’ psychologist dr heimdall or whatever blames it on her feeling guilt over all those idiot ancients who died and blames weir’s subsequent sighting on paranoia, why are you even here?
meanwhile sam the whale shows up and rodney takes up marine biology to study him. as more people see the various images of ancients rodney and sheppard decide the best course of action is to take a jumper down to look at the whales who are massing around atlantis.
they end up with burst eardrums and nosebleeds, whale dicks. cadwell takes this as an act of war and naturally suggests whale genocide. so while shep uses rodney’s “just been in a whale nightclub” syndrome to insult him to his face rodney decides to ask siri to find him whale laboratories near his location. meanwhile everyone sees more various images of ancients and start getting headaches and aneurysms, which they blame on the whales. cadwell makes sure to remind them of the genocide option.
rodney finds the whale lab just as his normal speaking powers regrow and discovers the whales are sentient and trying to tell them about the incoming scheduled Coronal Mass Ejection that will kill them all by projecting hallucinations based on a genetic memory of seeing the ancients almost screw it up. were it not for the fact that they recently picked up 3 ZedPMs from the asurans then lantea’s ecosystem would be screwed along with it’s oxygen producing plants but it sure is good they have the power to expand their shields over the entire hemi… they gave earth and the odyssey 2 of their ZedPMs? well shit. at least they can protect the city while the planet gets torched then after a day or so with the shield up waiting for someone to send the ZedPMs through the gate bridge use the stardrive to move to the other terrestrial planet in the system… you blew up the stardrive? well double shit, diarrhoea if you will.
so with nothing left to do they send the Daedalus (and i’m sure shep comes along to eat up some of that glorius radiation) on a suicide mission to headbutt the CME before it gets big… which probably makes no science sense but neither does whales projecting hallucinations based or how genetic memory in stargate works so lets just roll with it. the day is saved and the whales get away scott free even though they killed a guy with brain haemorrhaging. and that was the story about how whale song saved the planet, again.
WhY mY hEaD hUrT?
rather good actually, not boring and the mystery elements are pretty good. while Dr mikemeyers or whatever she’s called ends up being yet again useless, but seeing a recurring background character is always a nice continuity nod. speaking of recurring characters, next episode is irresponsible.